Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Hopeless Romantic.



Two days I disappear without notice and he is back on Valium. One day I will get really tired of this shit, but today is not that day.

Today he will light a cigarette and give it to me and we will puff it together and he will complain how I get the end moist. Tomorrow he will get mad at himself for poisoning me and at me for going with it. When he wakes up, he will remember how we sat on the balcony and he made me cry and I whispered he was cruel but still held on to him to help me keep it all together.

Today, between tequila shots and too much vodka, the clothes will fall off and you will forget that you are his muse, and he is yours, and that loving the idea of being in love is just good business. Making each other suffer because it releases creative hormones into your cerebral cortex, or wherever in the northern region your hormones go before they head south, and then writing out the feeling. You will love and hate and be angry and betrayed in infinite proportions, it will always be discrete and extreme and somewhere between a really good fuck, you will paint a line with your nails and replicate it and it will be art. Practicalities are for another day, as is heart break. 
Today, on the other hand, he will quote E. E. Cummings and that will be enough.

Listen, there's one hell good of a universe next door, let's go

And just like that, you will respond to his ‘let’s go’s and end up becoming too many people, causing a furore in the Louvre, hosting your own wedding in mausoleums, cooking up meals using other people’s ingredients, kissing girls and liking it.

Me - I will finally laugh, and bite back in classic twentieth century poetic fashion.

While you and I have lips and voices which
Are for kissing and to sing with
Who cares if some one-eyed son of a bitch
Invents an instrument to measure Spring with?

Yesterday, he was a shred of a man. A dreg of a man. But today is better than yesterday and it is better than tomorrow. Yesterday you fought against him, today you fight for him so that tomorrow you don’t have to fight with him. Tomorrow, he will be gone and you will hold his creased letters against your heart and weep bitterly to strangers on trains. You will go to a new city, get a new name, a new job and a new life. This city, it will reek of him, and everything that is old will have his name on it. You will write a sad poem, but there will be no pleasure in your darkness, no celebration of it, because somewhere along the way, there will come a point where your words will be for his eyes only.

But since today there’s one hell of a universe next door and one-eyed sons of bitches don’t matter, you will not ask what kind of a person manages to kill a cactus. If people on television are bold with making mistakes, there’s no reason for you to have all the guilt without any of the pleasure. Today, you will put out his cigarette and let him remember the way you smell when you sleep in his arms. Today, when he doesn’t know how to make it right, you will not make him suffer too much before you give in. And today- in this very moment, you will believe him when he says he carries your heart with him, that he carries it in his heart, and believe that he says it because he means it and that's what makes him paint like no one else ever will. 

11 comments:

  1. Whoa!
    Speechless....Naked,raw,beautiful,as always..

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  2. Yeah, the truth of it all is, today he is a different man, but this is a truth too, for today

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  3. Incredible flow and word use. Very captivating :)

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  4. Today. Is all that matters sometimes.

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  5. this is one of the best pieces on being a muse i have ever read. my fav portions: loving the idea of being in love is just good business... end up becoming too many people... you will believe him...
    thanks for your comment at my place. so glad to have arrived here.

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  6. I don't know what to say. I really don't...

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  7. There's clarity in the rawness of this piece that only a handful can see. P.s I carry you in my heart is one of my favorite poems. :)

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  8. "you will believe him when he says he carries your heart with him, that he carries it in his heart, and believe that he says it because he means it and that's what makes him paint like no one else ever will" - intoxicatingly beautiful. Truly captures the opiate magnetic field that is love.

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  9. There's this flow in your words. They just pull me in and ten minutes later, I've lived someone else's life, but somehow, it's also mine, and I've known it all along, but you brought it back to me, do you know? I guess all I'm trying to say is, you're spectacular and you're heartbreaking.

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  10. 'You will write a sad poem, but there will be no pleasure in your darkness, no celebration of it, because somewhere along the way, there will come a point where your words will be for his eyes only.'

    The truth in that, makes me smile.

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  11. i can relate to this piece word to word. but these things don't last. the tears in my eyes are screaming.

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