Saturday, July 9, 2011

Feverish highs.


Everything is swirling, my limbs they ache so funny.

There's a woman who makes recurrent appearances like an apparition, in and out, out and. She stands with you and her white chador has bloodstains which are actually flowers. I can't see her face, or yours. An invisible chord binds the two of you, but I see it, the way people see dust particles suspended in sunlight.

I must have drawn a line that is not a trace of your contour.


There are antibiotics on the table and I'm anti them. Your heart beat is based on a golden section, the silence, the frequency, the muscles. Trust me.

I'm outside your realm, a voyeuristic menace from a window grounded in another dimension. Her face is full of young love, you speak inaudibly, and her virginal blush is elevated. It irks me terribly. She steps backwards near the stove, her emerald eyes, her pupils dilated with some unnamed emotion, my breath fogs the dirty window, my ear flattens against it.

"Kiss me", you demand with an ill-concealed smirk, "or I will burn your house."
She cries in fright, the village idiot, and you put your arm around her. She clings to you for protection.

I think there's a dog out there in the street. Or maybe it's a cat. There are so many dogs in this town, people have started acting like them too.


She sees me and there's so much anguish and hatred in her eyes. She says, maybe she screams, that you belong to her. When my eyes open, I fall out and over, suddenly the other woman, the recipient of unholy love, dirty, longing, longing so desperately.. but failing because I am not her and not able to replace her, the other woman on whose side of the glass it's always raining.

I'm not a dog, stupid.
If I'm blind, I'd know you from the texture of your skin. If there's a frequency that matches your laugh, I follow it.

You're laughingsinginglaughing
Lights too bright, the sound of your laughter and her screams.
Every exit is an entry somewhere.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

If I could ask you, just once..

Do you tell a man you're sorry just to make him stay?

Maybe I didn't really realize what a woman can do to a perfectly sane man till relatively recently. So this one goes out to you, who I make so ridiculously angry, and all you other amazing gents out there. Maybe you will find in your hearts a way to forgive that girl who wronged you because she didn't know any better, or because she tried too hard, or because she was a winsome fool.


I wish one of you could just tell me how I can get you, my life, to forgive me for the treacheries of my heart,for thinking it no sin to give it away more than once, give it away when you were busy chasing horses and dreams, when you left such a maddening vacuum inside me that the universe rushed to fill it; I wish I knew how to tell you I'm sorry and convince you to stay.

And you, my love, I wish I knew how to ask for your forgiveness after you fitted into me like an extension of my own body and soul, and tell you how sometimes even the most perfect love in the world is not enough, how perhaps the most perfect loves are the ones doomed to fail. I wish I knew how to tell you how destroyed I am, and how sorry, but how the goodbye we've been silently dreading since that first day is now just waiting to be said.

I'm sorry, you, and you, because I loved you both in different ways, and all three of us are now hurt. I'm told it can only be my fault because I'm the only girl in this, and I wish someone, anyone, could tell me how you say you're sorry to a man? How you tell one to stay, and wish another away, when the bracelet you wear has two names branded into it and none of them is yours. Tell me how I can make this right.


When this song haunted me, I knew exactly how you said you felt. This is my way of surrendering to you this cursed, this dear, dear bracelet.

Kangna - Bracelet
Language: Persian, Braj

O' bracelet-
Oh, give me back my bracelet, my dandy lover
Give me back my bracelet, O dandy lover..
Give me back this bracelet

I beg and beseech you
I fall at your feet
O' (this) bracelet

She killed me with coquetry and made "fate" the excuse
She refused to look my way and made "shyness" the excuse
Out of favour for the stranger (my rival), on his shoulder did she place her hand,
Sighting me, she made “a slip of the foot” the excuse

O' bracelet-
Oh, give me back my bracelet, my dandy lover
Give me back my bracelet, O dandy lover..
I say, you rake, give me back this bracelet
Give it back,
Oh lover,
Oh dandy lover,
I won't come with you to your courtyard

My friends, they mock me now, oh lover,
Oh, give me back my bracelet, my dandy lover
Give me back my bracelet, O dandy lover..
Oh, (this) bracelet!

I gave up my heart
And I gave up my life
And I gave up my entire faith
Oh' (over this) bracelet!